Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
You Might Also Like
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Life hack
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
When you’re here for the treats.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.