Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
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Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
I hope this email finds you in a well
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.