@jonnysun: "fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u" - a goldfish :(
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@SortaBad: I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
@AnniemuMary: Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they're dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
@ehdannyboy: Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He's outside looking forlorn. Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it's there u prick