“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 馃檨
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I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they鈥檇 never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma鈥檃m we鈥檙e gonna need you to replace this door
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Stop saying I鈥檓 not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
My brain when I鈥檓 up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
This will forever be the funniest thing I鈥檝e seen