“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
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Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Me too door. Me too.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)