my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
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*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.