Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
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Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee