Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
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friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.