“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
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No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
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wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.