What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
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The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
barbara was highly relatable
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .