Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
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Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.