Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
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Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
How to make infinite energy.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”