FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
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“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
i hope my email finds you on fire
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.