@chrissyteigen: "Whose funeral was this photo taken at?" John, serious tone: "I dunno. Let's see who's missing" possible funniest thing john has said

@Prof_Hinkley: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Off duty cop: No *cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro* You're driving great, pal

@Tmoney68: BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.

@RandySmithWhat: Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched? ... CIA: They're*

@Owl_Meat: The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti