@_Tempo11: If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I'm walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.

@mynameisntdave: RACIST: im a racist! ME: uh oh RACIST: yea I race cars! ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means RACIST: & I hate Jews! ME: there it is

@ipalatsky: Learning how to say "where the hell am I?" in eight languages. Just in case.

@WilliamAder: Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

@mydmac: I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.