[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
You Might Also Like
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Breaking news:
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going