[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
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It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.