Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
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Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween