Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
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Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
fr
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
is it earth
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?