Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
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*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*