For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
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90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
I’m having an out of money experience.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
For the baby who has everything