They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
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“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
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The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.