In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
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[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.