For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
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[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Incredible customer service.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.