@BedheadBunny: For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@juliussharpe: Fun tip - instead of going on vacation with a baby, stand outside until you're sunburned, then light $1,000 on fire.
@squirrel74wkgn: *cuts down perfect Xmas tree* Me: What do you think kids? Kids: Yay!!!!! Wife: It’s beautiful Neighbor: ...what are you guys doing in my yard?
@TheCatWhisprer: *wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard* Her: You're... slipping... Me: Pretend I'm the covers. *she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
@TheDailyEdge: Jeb Bush: "The Pope should not discuss climate change because he's not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife's gynecologist"