For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
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If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
2022 be like
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…