@aveuaskew: For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn't that impressive.
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@qwertying: Husband: Why are there broken condoms on our couch? Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.
@gothicaseas: Always a bridesmaid, never the voice that mysteriously bleeds from the corner of your bedroom wall.
@AndrewNadeau0: INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff. TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?