For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
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Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH