For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
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I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*