For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
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My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Jokes on them. I took 10.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.