For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
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I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.