For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
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Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
who did the taste test?
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Can Happiness buy money?
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves