For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
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It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
reduce, reuse, recycle
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
He wanted to make sure😂
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
hmmm
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)