For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
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what does he know…
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Why is this me 😫
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names