For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
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My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Goodnight 🐶
“You’d better run, egg!”
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
me 2 months after i graduated
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Every work meeting this week