For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
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[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
the three branches of government
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.