For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
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I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Clients after you give them your rates
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u