@ceejoyner: For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
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@Book_Krazy: [Airport security] Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes Centipede: No problem. I'll just run. I have 100 legs. Guard: Remove your shoes
@JustinGuarini: The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance's baby is doing all day everyday day.
@schmittsteve: - Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth. - Vhere, here? - No... - Here? - No, just go look in- - GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
@sucittaM: I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".