@ceejoyner: For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
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@AndyAsAdjective: Boss, I can't come in today. Got a bad case of- *puts hand over phone* -what was it again? Daughter: Boogeritis. *to phone* It's Boogeritis.
@rachelle_mandik: "Actually I have a lot of secs" is apparently not the right answer to "Do you have a sec?"
@wolfpupy: i won 100 dollars worth of chips at the casino, all i had to do was throw a brick through the vending machine glass
@KoKeniSasquatch: I like dogs, but it's like having a permanent baby. A cat is like having a permanent teenager.