For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
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Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot