For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
You Might Also Like
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.