“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
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Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.