“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
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me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.