For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
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As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Brother?
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Just a reminder, folks:
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.