For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
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Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast