For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
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THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.