For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
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I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
sin harder.