@peterjames48: For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
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@LittleMissZesty: Conversations with my pets: Me: Please could you Dog: OF COURSE! Me: I haven't said what it Dog: I LOVE YOU! Me: Please could you Cat: No.
@XplodingUnicorn: Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
@psybermonkey: Wife: we argue a lot about money Therapist: well that's not uncommon among coupl- Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
@therealeatwood: ME: I’m adorably inept and naïve! CHILD: That’s only cute on Twitter. Get off the floor and take me to soccer.