For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
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[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and