For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
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Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
And then there were 4
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders