@ieatanddrink: For animals with an "amazing sense of smell" dogs sure do sniff piles of turds for a long time before realizing "Whoops, these are turds"
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@murrman5: "when people say different color bell peppers taste different" [doctor nodding] I meant anything bothering you physically
@hotsoccerchic69: my mom walked in when I was printing out a naked picture of a woman in 5th grade& we sat there in silence listening to the loud, 90s printer
@BrainFumbles: "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the tru-" I choose dare, your honor "Bailiff, please hi-five the defendant"
@outsmartedmommy: The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It's only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.