@ieatanddrink: For animals with an "amazing sense of smell" dogs sure do sniff piles of turds for a long time before realizing "Whoops, these are turds"
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@tsm560: [in bed] Her: Easy, cowboy. I'm not having unprotected sex. Me: No worries! Her: Where are you going? Me: To lock the front door. Her: ...
@SerenityRising: "If you can't handle me at my diddliest, you don't deserve me at my doodliest." -Ned Flanders
@BrettDruck: Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn't even close lupita nyong'o: that's my coffee