@ieatanddrink: For animals with an "amazing sense of smell" dogs sure do sniff piles of turds for a long time before realizing "Whoops, these are turds"
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@rachelle_mandik: people say they're "over the moon" when they're happy, but it's a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
@WilliamAder: In Russia, Pokemon find you.
@BlackCatBettie: I'm really bad at portioning uncooked pasta...so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
@Cravin4: Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.
@shashaintl: What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
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