@ieatanddrink: For animals with an "amazing sense of smell" dogs sure do sniff piles of turds for a long time before realizing "Whoops, these are turds"
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@dafloydsta: WIFE: Stop spending all our money ME: Okay, fine [later] WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF? ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
@therealeatwood: {Driving} ME: I know this is only our second date, but… I think I love you. [Police siren] COP: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
@IamEveryDayPpl: Boss: "Do you have a Twitter account?" Me: "Umm... Yo no hablo inglès." Boss: "Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?" Me: *fakes a seizure*
@Lisabug74: One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I'm telling you now.
@JohnLyonTweets: "I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you." -Liam Neeson opening a Where's Waldo book
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