My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
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Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic