Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
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my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
If only.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope