For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
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I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.