For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
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WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Generation gap…
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man