For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
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Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
That eye roll….
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years