For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
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16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.