WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
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TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?