“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
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Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
groan^2
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
This is hilarious….
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable