I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
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HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
A man of commitment.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
😅🤣😂
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms